Friday, 20 May 2011

If Scott Goldie Can/Meditations on a Crisis/End-times Sales Pitch

I shall not be outdone.

They can carve that on my gravestone for all I care, but it shall remain truth; I shall not be outdone. Not by Scott Goldie, not when writing is in my blood, and my blood is up. For these are troubled times; I say, little children, can you say hallelujah! For the good lord will descend and he will raise you up; so sayeth the random American.

Yes folks; the Rapture is upon us. Never mind that no man can know the day or the hour; that doesn't matter where the Evangelist is concerned. No-no. So! In the spirit of Atheist-faith cooperation I have been putting together a list of Rapture Rules; to help you through the turmoil and tumult that will follow the Christians (read: Our consciences) ascending into heaven as the Tribulation descends upon us.

#1: Memorise where the Rich Christians live.

Isn't greed a terrible sin? These people have lived good lives and lives of plenty. They won't need these goods where they're going; thus, fair game. Other raiders will be on the lookout though, so hurry! Gold, jewels, clothing, games, food, porn; all for the taking!

#2: Organise the abandoned Rapture pets into vicious packs.

Not only is this smart in terms of food (much pussy will be eaten; but so will dog), it also has defence aspects. A pack of wild slavering beasts can be of great use in the looming godless wastelands; they can hunt food, kill intruders and generally be used for amusement. I can has shotgun?

#3: Build a better religion.

We can't have everyone getting dejected over being left behind; that just won't do! The faithful didn't ascend by the will of God; the weak were vaporised by Thor's will, so that his strong sons might inherit the earth! Religion is control, so grind out that opiate for the masses!

#4: Always bring a towel.

Common sense at it's finest.

#5: Harvest unbaptised babies.

It's a fact of life; the unbaptised are born corrupt and soulless; writhing with original sin, dripping with venom and tailed like scorpions. Harvesting children is smart for barter (The baby of today is the slave of tomorrow) or food (I want my baby back baby back baby back...)

Final declaration: In the event of the rapture occuring; it's Thunderdome time. I expect costumes. I expect mayhem. I expect an insane anti-semite.

1 comment:

Scott said...

Through the gates of Hell, as we make our way to Heaven...through the Rapture's lies...PRIMO DYSTOPIA!